"Lissena me, schmuck," said the capo di tutti frutti. "When you pre-empt you pre-empt with a single suiter, ain't that right?"
"Yes boss," whimpered the face strapped in the chair.
"So, why, tell me why did you go on and pre-empt - as dealer! - with a TWO suiter, you lousy little no-good mangy son of a rat's ass?"
"But boss, boss," squirmed the face, "it worked out OK. I open 3D, they go overboard, go down in 4H. We gotta plus. What's to worry over, already? Look at the hand:"
"I seen the hand, don't you fret. Who cares they bid 4H, they mighta anyways. Problem is, what happens when you open 3D with that hand and I have Spade support? Huh? Maybe real good Spade support? How you gonna tell me that? How you gonna guess it right? How'm I gonna guess it right? You pre-empt to give THEM a guess. You don't pre-empt to give ME a guess. I don't like to guess, do I Shorty?
"No boss. But opening 1D didn't seem right. Or 1S. What should I do Boss? Tell me what I should do Boss, please Boss tell me. What's to do?"
"OK. Lissenup, wise guy. Here's the way it is. You can pre-empt with 4 of another suit if you really want, (But I knows guys who will rub you out fer that.) But not never 5. If you was 3rd in hand I wouldna minded so much, but you were first! If I've passed, OK, you can take a liberty. After 2 passes Not Vulnerable you can get creative, sure thing, why not. But not when you the dealer. Not with this. Too many times we'll miss a Spade fit. And then. I WILL. BE REALLY. ANGRY. You was lucky I didn have no spade fit with you this time. So lucky. And that is why I'm lettin you off light. The best you coulda done was PASS. Wait and see. Remember one thing if nothing else: Don' lie to me. I gets antsy when folks lie to me. Don't get me antsy."
If you want to open habitually with these hands - and I think you should - then you and partner are going to have to learn the convention that allows this - LUCAS TWOS. Weak 2 suiters - 5 - 10 HCP. There's a whole raft of these conventions, Muiderberg 2's. Woo 2's, Dutch 2's etc etc. But you'll need to learn the conventional responses as well. On top of that you now won't have single-suited weak 2's available. So be careful what you decide!